Well, after all that talk about Spanx, I found that I needed to go shopping for another contraption we women pour ourselves into---bras.
I have decided that I could easily become a multi-millionaire if I could design a bra that was both comfortable and supportive. Sort of like an old husband.
Instead what I usually find are bras that are too tight, don't fit right, allow 'the girls' to droop too much, or push them up under my chin.
I also found out that I am waaaay behind the curve in the boobage department as it seems that all bras now are designed for women whose cup runneth over. In other words I think all bras are now made for my sisters full of silicone and not for natural old me. And speaking of old, I now have to contend with a whole new array of disasters like over hanging back fat and armpit creep where the space just in front of my armpit manages to bulge over my bra strap.
Oh, how I long for the prepubescent days when young girls are given training bras and told what to expect as they mature into womanhood. Unfortunately, no one does this on the opposite of life so we could know what to expect as we age into dowager status.
So in my quest for proper support, I proceeded with trepidation into the underwear department in an attempt to find a bra equivalent to the perfect man, something we all know doesn't exist. I did manage to take two home (bras, not men) and as I sit here typing this can report that the straps of one of them are digging into the soft flesh at the front of my underarms along with the stay on the side of the bra directly under the armpit which is digging into my side. The 'girls' are so high up I could easily do the lipstick trick done by Molly Ringwald in "The Breakfast Club" film. (if you haven't seen it, go look it up on youtube).
On the other, um, er, hand, the second bra offers so little support that my 'girls' can now be called chesticles since they hang so low. Fortunately, I am not heavily endowed and they can only reach so far south.
I had high hopes of achieving bra wonderfullness (not wonder bra -they are no wonder believe me) only to have those hopes dashed on the shore of disappointment once again.
I'd consider just giving up and going bra-less but those days are long gone. Sigh. The hunt continues.
Oh, and I will gladly fork over one of the newly purchased torture devices to anyone who can come up with the funniest caption to the photo above.