I was merrily minding my own business, driving from sunny Florida to cold, snowy Maryland and WHAM! the flu snuck up on me and hit me with a 2 X 4. Of course perhaps I should have rethought that drive north in winter, but honestly, I probably already had the flu bug before I left the warmer climes. One day I was fine and the next I was dying, at least it felt like it. By Super Bowl eve, I was running a fever, coughing, aching, and miserable. I wanted to lay on the floor, cry and whine. My head hurt so badly I gave serious thought to cutting it off. But then, in the midst of the snowfall and my pain, I heard that there was a miracle drug available that could help curb the flu symptoms. This amazing stuff is called "Tamiflu" but you need a prescription to get it. Off I went in search of an urgent care clinic which was open past 5:00 PM. I'm not sure why 'urgent' care centers seem to think that urgency stops at 5:00, but many of them were closed.
I did find one open and there was almost no one waiting to be seen. Truly miracles do occur! In less than an hour I had seen "Dr. Dan" as he was called, given wonder drugs and on my way back home. That the cost of this 'miracle' amounted to something equal to a monthly car payment, for a luxury car, seemed a dim concern. Hope was on its way in the form of a capsule!!
I got home and took the pill. And it came to pass that on the First Sunday in the month of February, on the day wherein all mankind reverently gazes at two sports teams as they chase an oblong ball around an elliptical arena, THE PILL WORKED. I actually began to feel better! I was able to join the multitude as they sang praises and heaped glory upon bird-men of Baltimore; and it was good and they were victorious in their quest.
I also swore that I did not wish to live through the flu again; I am a most impatient patient. The doctor had inquired, while he was examining me at the clinic, whether I had received a flu shot. I responded that I had not and asked whether he thought it would have made a difference. In precise medicals terms he told me "50/50", half the flu cases he had seen had received an immunization and half had not. In even more exact medical terminology he explained that it was "a crap shoot". That cinched my plan to avoid flu shots altogether in the future. As an alternate plan and, given the state of the flu bugs this year, I have decided that upon venturing out where I would come into contact with other humans, I will start wearing protective gear. A gas mask should work well. I like this one:
It reminds me of the people on the planet "Tatooine" from Star Wars. I will wear it and pretend I am from that planet, maybe they don't have the flu there.
