Spanx? No Thanx.
Recently I was enjoying an evening with a few friends at a local establishment when the subject of Spanx came up. I think it was when we decided that it is wiser to go shopping before imbibing rather than after as drunken shopping can produce unwanted results, i.e. 'why did I buy these purple shoes?' Or in the case of one of my friends who found she had purchased a pair of the body sculpting Spanx following a few drinks.
For anyone who has been living under a rock, or who is perhaps a male creature who has stumbled upon this blog, Spanx are the new version of a woman's corset. They are designed out of some type of man made stretchy material intended to squish a woman's body into a more desirable shape. Unfortunately, the material's holding power (relative to putting 20 lbs of stuff into a 5 lb sack) makes putting on a pair of these almost impossible. My friend admitted that she tried to put them on once but couldn't actually manage to shove herself into them. I told her that she should consider herself lucky since I did once manage to get into a pair. Putting on a pair included lying on the bed kicking my legs into the air and then standing and jumping up and down while pulling on the top of the Spanx until I was able to wrest them onto my body. I think I qualified for Mexican wrestling by the time I was through.
However, it turned out that putting them on is nothing compared to taking them off. I found this out when I arrived home from my important evening out and couldn't get out of the damn things. No amount of kicking or jumping did the trick. I tried every way possible to peel those suckers off, but was only able to get them down to the point where I couldn't walk as they became lodged between my hips and my knees. I ended up waddling around my home looking for a way out. I finally took a pair of scissors to them and cut $55 worth of spandex or lycra or whatever they are made of off my poor body. Thank goodness I hadn't come home with a date who wanted to get intimate since he would have lost patience and left by the time I managed to get out of my Spanx. "Uh, hang on, almost there, no wait just a bit more, oh damn stuck again, hang on........."
We had all heard Oprah extolling the virtues of Spanx and wondered how she was able to fit her, um sizable, frame into them and decided that Oprah, with all her money, could afford dressers whose job it is to put her into her Spanx. We then wondered how women who are not in Oprah's tax bracket could manage to get into and out of their Spanx. I suggested that we could start a service to help these poor women out when they find themselves stuck in their Spanx. We could be the Spanx removal crew, available for a small fee and on short notice. I suggested that we obtain our own uniforms for Spanx removal which would look something like this:
We would have to add protective eye covering since unleashing fat under pressure could be dangerous -- look out she's gonna blow!! Oh and don't call us if you have a husband, boyfriend or other being is amorously awaiting the removal of your Spanx. We can't guarantee that the time needed to remove the offending Spanx wouldn't outlast the interest of said being.
Our advice-- "Just step away from the Spanx".